Before sending your essay in to be marked, please ensure that you review all the essays that have been written and the advice that I have given.
Printable View
Before sending your essay in to be marked, please ensure that you review all the essays that have been written and the advice that I have given.
Merhaba,
Uzun suredir bu formu ziyaretci modunda izliyordum, vermiş oldugunuz karşılıksız hizmetten dolayı sizi tebrik etmek istiyorum.
Benim sorum su olacak, ben kendi yazmiş oldugum essaylari buraya gonderebilir miyim? 15 ocakta sınav alıcam ve Ingilizce seviyemin
en azından writing konusunda cok da yeterli oldugunu dusunmuyorum, belki sizlerin sayesinde 1 2 puan yukarı cekebilirimn diye dusunuyorum?
şimdiden teşekkürler.
tabi gönderebilirsiniz. bu konu başlığı o nedenle açıldı. çorbada tuzumuz olsun istedik. bir özel kurumda toefl eğitmeni olan yabancı uyruklu bir arkadaşımız essay lerinizi kontrol edecek. yazabilirsiniz
Daha onceden belirttiğim gibi sınav tarihim Ocak 15 bu yuzden elimden geldiğince fazla yazacağım, sıkıldığınız yerde dur dersiniz :)
Ilk essayim;
In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of studying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice.
Although many students choose of studying in traditional schools, I would definitely support the idea that is studying at home using my computer or other materials that I can harness. I believe this idea for a variety of reasons.
First, while I am studying at home I believe that I would be less stressful than I am in a real class, for example; in the real class it is probable that I can be asked some questions by the teacher that I may not answer, so at that time I would be stressed in the class. But there is no probability that I feel the same way while I am studying at my home.
Second, studying at home also brings me lots of benefits, one of them is I can record the lesson and re-watch it whenever I want. When I started to learn English I harnessed from some DVDs which are recorded by some teachers. These DVDs were really helpful for me because I did not know anything about English before and there were difficult units that I cannot understand easily. I watched these DVDs much time until I understand the unit. I believe that materials accelerated my learning. If I decided to go a traditional course or school I would learn English as well but this would take much longer than I expected.
Third, when I study at my home with the technological equipments, there is no time limit for me because if I do not feel very well to study, I simply do not. Last year I attended lots of social activities, so I really could not find much time to study in the daytime but I studied that lessons in the evenings instead. So these materials helped me a lot. If I had gone to traditional school I would have missed lots of class because of my activities and I might fail the class.
Generally, a very nice well balanced essay. There are a few points that you need to work on though. First of all your introduction is a little on the short side. I would also advise you from stating your opinion so early in introduction. With a comparative essay as the such, don't be afraid of stating the opposite opinion first of all. An example introduction may go something like this "Over the last ten years or so, the number of studying methods open to students has increased a great deal. The wide spread use of technology and the internet have given students the choice to study in a variety of different ways. However, I believe that more traditional approaches to studying, such as studying at home, are more effective for a number of reasons" Of course as you can see from my example introduction, I am against more modern methods. However, if you tend to agree, you only need to change the position of the two elements. Your essay also contains a number of grammatical mistakes. You really need to spend the last 5 minutes correcting any mistakes that you have made. I would say that your essay is clearly worth a good three points. Remember practice makes perfect:)
This essay was marked and commented on courtesy of Just English Language Schools
bu ne güzel bir imkan? bu gerçek olamaz. keşke bunu daha önce keşfetseydim. hay bin kunduz. neyse geride kalanlara yardımcı olur artık. ne güzel bir forum vay be. bedava essay okuyacaklar.
I want to thank you for marking my essay "teacher" (because I don't know your name I just wrote your nick, I hope you don't mind) :) and I'll try to use your advise which is very important to me. Actually I aim to get 3.5 points both independent and integrated essays.
Thank you again and I will continue to bother you :P
Ayrica forum adminleri sizlere de birkere daha teşşekkür etmek istiyorum, cunki arkadasiminda yukarida dediği gibi bu hizmeti bize karsiliksiz sunarak ne kadar büyük bir iyilik yapiyorsunuz anlatamam
bende mi yazsam acaba? spor olsun diye yazsam ayıp olur mu acaba? herkes yazsın en son ben de yazarım.
bence herkez yazsın en azından yazanların nelere dikkat ettiğini, etmeyenlerin neden dusuk puan aldıklarını gorup bundan ders cikarmiş oluruz
Here is my second essay
The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.
The twentieth century has undergone many changes in every situation. We can talk about the improvements of education, health care systems, or technology. In my opinion the most memorable change in that century is about the communication system and phone technology.
In the nineteenth century people used many ways to communicate with other people. One of these ways is the telephone, in that time phone was rarely found in every people’s home, so people had to use phone booth in the city. But this would be sometimes very hard for people to go there especially under harsh winter conditions. Also it was always regarded that communication was broken for bad weather conditions, because the wires were detached easily. They put up with these bad conditions because the telephone was so importand for them.
"Try starting each of your supporting paragraphs with a transitional statement such as 'The first reason as to why I believe that the telephone and communication is among one of the most memorable changes in the 20th century is because.' Such phrase help create consistency throughout the essay and also help you to stay on topic. Finally, never ever forget to include an example for every reason that you give; the question specifically asks for reasons and examples."
After decades the cell phone is invented. This technology brought us very important basics in our lives. When we use a cell phone it means that we can be reachable from everywhere. For instance, my mother ordered some food and other materials from market but in that day I was a bit confused and did not listen my mom, when I reached the market in a sudden I believed I forgot something, to be sure, I called my mom and yes I forgot something and return the market and bought what I forgot. This was a miniscule example of the cell phone’s benefits to out lives.
"In this paragraph I have highlighted some of the mistakes that you have made; they really are typical of the types of mistakes that you are making throughout your essay. The correctıons are as follows in order: "Decades after the phone was invented, this technology", "essentials to", "reached", "things", "on that day", "listen to", "I suddenly remembered", "I had forgotten", "returned to", "this is a".
And it is also easy to carry and allow us to use a lot of application on it. With the technologic improvements of the cell phone, these things became very small; we can put it in our pockets so this is a very important feature compared to the normal home phones. The other feature of the cell phone is it has many applications that we can use. For example; we can get the weather forecast or we can read e-book also we can listen music or take a photo which is really close the real camera quality. We can do lots of things with the new age cell phones it means everything for us.
"Avoid giving lists of examples as you have done here. Choose one example and elaborate on it; what life experience can you use to illustrate that point?"
To sum up, technology is grooving exponentially and we see these improvements in every part of our life. The phone technology is one of them and I believe that we will face lots of improvements about the communication technology in our future.
"Try not to use structures of vocabulary that you are not to sure of. The first sentence of your conclusion has absolutely no meaning at all. Raters by the way really hate memorized structures as this appears to be; they will only lose you a great deal of points".
COMMENTS:
Sorry I was a little late marking your essay, but I have had a very busy day. Again, I think your introduction needs a little strenghtening as it is a tad on the short side. It would have been nice if you had given some examples of the changes that have taken place in the education and health care sector. Don't forget that everything you mention needs to be elaborated on to some extent. You should also spend some time practising writing introductory paragraphs. A lot of you points are going to come from how impressed the rater is with your essay. As for your supporting paragraphs, I have put small comments at the end of each one where needed. Overall, this essay is worth once again 3 points. The overall organization is fine and use of vocabulary generally satisfactory; however, there are too many grammatical mistakes to bring this essay above 3 points. Don't forget that the last five minutes should be spent on checking your essay for mistakes. The more you correct the better the impression the rater will have.
This essay was marked and commented on courtesy of Just English Language Schools
Wow, I see lots of red :-[ but I believe these reds will bring me success and thank you again for your patient to me!.
As for my essays I am trying to do my best, besides I explained on top of the page my english level is not brilliant :'( and these essays that I've sent here is complated in 30 mins.(trying to simulate real exam)
Thank you again!
I'll try my best
Your English is fine:) You need to remember that everything in the TOEFL exam comes down to good time keeping. As I said, your aim should be to write an essay in at least 20minutes. 5 minutes needs to be spent at the beginning planning your essay and of course the last 5 minutes should be spent at the end checking your essay. I must also apologise for the use of red. It can be percieved as a very negative color. However, I needed to ensure that my comments were clearly visable for you to see (and to tell you the truth, I am a little slow when it comes to technology. I have never been part of a forum before:) I understand that you are due to take the exam on the 15th of this month, so feel free to send me some more essays:) Also if there are any other questions that you would like to ask me about the exam please feel free.
Sınava hazırlananlar için bulunmaz bir şans cidden. Kim uğraşıyorsa bu işle ellerine sağlık.
arkadaşlar yanlış anlamayın ama 30 üzerinden değerlendirilmez? zaten 2 essay var. bunlar ayrı ayrı 5 üzerinden değerlendirilir sonra convert edilir. sistem bu olduğundan sevgili teacher ımız 5 üzerinden değerler diye düşünüyorum.
estağfirullah, yanlış anlamak ne demek. Uygun olanını sizler bilirsiniz tabii.
Teşekkür ederim tekrar.
bu arada Just English dışında hiç bir kurum bu foruma destek çıkmadığı için bu essaylari yorumlayan Just ve ekibine bir forum üyesi ve yetkilisi olarak teşekkür ediyorum. Bu desteği diğer kurumlardan da bekliyoruz. Desteklemek isteyen her kuruma açığız ve ismini telaffuz etmekten çekinmeyiz. teşekkürler.
TOPIC: What is your approach to problem solving, and how does it work for you? Use specific details to support your response.
In today`s world, most of people have a lot of problems about their social life, job, family etc. Actually that is quite normal for a normal person, so there is nothing to concern. But if you don`t have an approach to solve your problems,then you may concern. As a result everybody must have a problem solving method. In my opinion the best way of this can be explained in two part, being claim and asking other people.
O.k to begin with the overall structure of your introduction is fine. However, there are many mistakes in terms of both grammar and vocabulary, immediately giving a bad impression. The most common mistake made by Turkish students concerns the use of adverbs such as "MOST+MANY". If we are talking generally about a subject then there is no need to use the preposition "of"; that's to say that "many people" is the correct form. Another point that you need to be careful of is the use of the abbreviation "etc...", this really has no place in any type of essay. Instead try using expressions such as "and the such" or "and so forth"
First of all, if you have a problem,you have to be claim to think healthly. If you are angry or stressful because of your problems, that can be cause bigger problems instead of solution. Take a deep breath and wait for a moment and do not think about the problem. Think about good things. For instance, thinking happy moments of your life make you claim, and after that think about the best solution.
As I explained to "Senemis" above, you need to really include specific examples. The example that you have given above is too general. You may want to include an experience that you have undergone which reflects this main point such as "last year when I was at university studying for my finals, I found that I was very stressed and under a great deal of pressure. Then I discovered a way to overcome this. I would close my eyes and think about being with my family and having a good time. I found that by doing so, it would calm me down just enough so that I could concentrate on my studies" Examples, in general, should take up the best part of a supporting paragraph. And, what is more, the raters really enjoy a good example.
In addition to this, talking with other people about your problem can help you to find best way. Especially, people who have experiments will help you more than you consider. Perhaps you will not find anybody who had a problem like yours but be sure, there are somebody who had a problem familiar to yours and after several conversation with these people, although they do not tell a certain solution you can find out the best way of the solution with using their ideas.
Again as I said above, the one thing that sticks out with this supporting paragraph is that it is lacking an example. Don't forget that with "some+any" we should use "is/was/verb+s" So your sentence above should read "there is somebody who has had..."
In conclusion, problems are a part of our life and we may not live without these. However we should not allow them to make our life hard and unhappy. We should focus on the solution and in my opinion, the best way of finding the solution is being claim and talking with other people who had problems like ours. Of course everybody can find another method, the main point is having a problem solving approach. It is changable for everybody.
Another common mistake made by students involves the use of the word "another" (you really needed to use the word "other" above. An easy way to distinguish the difference between the two words is to remember what they mean in Turkish. "another" can be translated as "bir daha" as in "Can I have another cup of tea"; and "other", in this sense, can be translated as "başka, diğer, yada öbür" as in "Can you give me the other one" (it is important to remember though that "another" can also mean "başka" when used to talk about time, as in "I will talk to you another time." I hope that this has helped you. Overall I would say that your essay is worth at the very most 3 points, but could actually get a little lower if this were the real exam.
This essay was marked and commented on courtesy of Just English Language Schools
My third essay;
Is the ability to read and write more important today than in the past? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
People have begun writing from the invention of writing. We can see the examples of these writings in early human remnants, stone carvings, cave walls or the most prominent examples of writings in sagas. Since from early human period, both writing and reading became more important for human beings.
First, we can easily see the importance of reading and writing system in every part of our life. Reading and writing could not find the place for itself easily on people communications, people used to choose to speak with each other in business. But this has changed in time and writing and reading became the crucial thing for the companies. In my company, when I get to my desk I open my computer to check new mails, because I communicate with our customers via email. Using email system gives me lots of opportunities the most important one is, because we choose the writing system, every word we use are recorded and if we have conflict with some cases in the future with my client I can use my e-mail to prove myself.
The second reason for my propensity for believing the reading and writing system is more important than the past is because the printing system is also improved, we can find any written source easily. When I go for a walk in my city I see many book shops around the street, especially in big shopping centers. In the past people were not lucky as we are today, they had to wait for a long time to get a book that they wanted, and so the writing and reading system may not be important for the people compared to us. When I entered a book shop I generally have difficulty to choose a book because there are lots of books; best sellers, story, education and so forth. Due to the fact that the reading and writing system is important for people in the present days, authors are exhorted to write new books so we can find the books easily.
Furthermore, it is important to become a good reader and writer to express ourselves more clearly. In our society, people tend to use speaking to each other on the phone sometimes they use internet system to talk. When we mention Internet I can definitely say that this system is completely build up on writing system. For example, there are lots of social platforms on the Internet such as forums or chat rooms; these all use written language. Nowadays, I have bought a new plasma television system and the distributor told me that he did not know much about that new system so he just opened the package and set the television and went out without giving any technical information. So I entered a forum that I am already a member of and searched the information about who experienced that system before. Surprisingly one of my friend already bought same TV. system and shared his information with me on the forum. I believe that if I could not express myself correctly I would not get help from the forum. This happened because I used the writing system cleverly so the other people understand my problem and gave me the neat solution.
All in all, the reading and writing system is always important for the people. With the changes of the technological and social improvements of the society, the importance of these systems has increased.
This is a much better essay. You are slowly on the road to getting a 4 (but not yet:). Your introduction is still lacking strength. I want you to go back and rewrite it again and again until you are happy with it and then post it here for me to check. Once you have found the introduction that you are happy with try and repeat that structure when writing introductions to other essay questions. There are still a few too many grammatical mistakes, but nothing too serious. Actually there are a few words in your essay that you dont know how to use such as "exhorted", I know these words look good but unless you are 100% sure of how to use them, don't! Finally, try using those transitional phrases that I mentioned in your first essay. Keep up the hard work:)
This essay was marked and commented on courtesy of Just English Language Schools
Thank you for all.
And my second essay.
Do you prefer to eat out or eat at home?
Food preference is so important and mustn't be neglected for a healthy and good life. In the past we used
to eat the meals cooked by our mothers. However, in today's world, there are so many sections to eat
something and the main preferences are eating at home or eating out. Different people can give different
responses from their habits but when it comes to me, I prefer to eat at home rather than to eat out for
following reasons.
First of all, I find the meals prepared in my home more delicious and tasteful. Although a lot of chemical
is used in meal prepared out, in order to make it's taste better, they cannot satisfy that I think. If you
want to cook a tasteful meal, it have to be natural as the first condition. In addition to this, foods
such as fastfood contains a lot of fat and spice and we cannot choose it according to our pleasure.
Secondly, despite the fact that somebody claims that eating outside is better for saving time as if the
main neccesity of a good life is more time, in my opinion health is more important than saving time. Thus,
we have to look for healthier one. I find the meal of my mother healthier of course. She choose the best
quality vegatables, meat and spices for us. As a result, such ingredients of the meal determine the health
level of the meal.
To sum up, everybody may have different choises about eating. Yet, right choise can be a turning point for
their life quality. Therefore, everybody have to look for the best choise and according to my opinion, it
is eating in their house .
Now to begin with, when I compare the two essays you have written I notice that they are on the short side. There are one of two ways you can solve this problem 1) you could elaborate on the examples that you give and 2) you may want to consider a third supporting paragraph. If we take a closer look at your first supporting paragraph (and the second supporting paragraph of your first essay) we can see that you are missing an example. As I have said before "Do not forget to give specific examples to support your reasons. It is stipulated in the question and an essay lacking examples may lose points!" In terms of grammar you have made the same types of mistakes that you have made in the first one. Lets take a look at the conclusion for example; "Therefore, everybody have to look..." This type of mistake I have commented on before in previous essays written by "simemis"; this type of mistake will also lose you a great deal of points, so please take care in the future. Point: low 3
This essay was marked and commented on courtesy of Just English Language Schools
As with most things, writing a good essay takes time and practice (and a lot of it). However, that being said there are a few steps that can help you write the level of essay you are looking for (no matter what level of English your are).
Step One
The first five minutes should be spent planning your essay. I have never seen any student get more than 3 points without having a good plan. Whilst planning remember that there is no such thing as a perfect plan. Write down as many ideas as you can and then decide which ones you can actually use; sometimes the first few ideas that come to mind are not always the the best ideas.
Step Two
You need to practice writing your essay within 20 minutes. To begin with this will be very difficult, but you really need to stay within this time limit even if you haven't completed your essay. You will find that after about 5 practice essays you will be able to write more and more.
Step Three
The last 5 minutes of your time should be spent checking for mistakes. Every mistake that you can correct the better chance you have of getting a better score. Some common errors include:
-The use of some/any/most/many
-The use of articles especially "the"
-The use of either the present perfect+past perfect (especially, when talking about simple past events)
-The use of prepositions (especially with verbs and adjectives)
-The use of plural nouns (Remember in the present simple if we are talking about a general action or event then the noun needs to be plural. I enjoy reading book books)
I hope that you find this useful; but please remember none of the advice that I am giving (and have given) has any meaning if it isn't put into practice. So for those of you who are planning on sending in essays to be marked, please read the other essays I have marked and take note of the points I have made.
Good writing:)
Courtesy of Just English Language Schools. All rights reserved.
This essay was written by a Just English student some time ago, and it is without doubt one of my favorite essays. It is also a good example of what you can do with a lot of practice and time. To begin with the student started her life as a TOEFL student averaging 2 points and finished the course averaging 4 points (she acually got 5 points for this essay). There are many reasons as to why I like this essay; to begin with it is well organized and well balanced. She has argued some good points and balanced them out with good examples (although they are not what I would consider traditional examples. Generally I would advice against the use of academic examples such as surveys and research, but here she has managed to pull it off). It is also obvious that she has corrected many of her the grammatical mistakes and although the structures used may appear on the basic side they are nonetheless used correctly.
People listen to music for different reasons and at different times. Why is music important to many people? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
Over the last 50 years or so, listening to music for different reasons and at different times has become so important for people's lives. People from all over the world listen to different types of music, like rock, pop, jazz. However, listening to music is important to many people for two very different specific reasons
The first reason as to why listening to music is important to many people is that of human health. The listener can create whatever image he or she wants to when listening to music. By listening to music one can start their day and gets the brain flowing in the morning. This is an essential part of life as listening to music in the morning helps you calm down whenever things go wrong in the day. Thousands of people, for example, are treated for cancer each year, and recovering from serious procedures can be painful. However, studies show that music eases the recovery of individuals who have undergone bone marrow transplants to treat cancer. Also, research supports the use of music to modulate heart rate and blood pressure which can relieve stress symptoms in patients with heart disease.
The second reason as to why listening to music is important to many people is that of educating children. Music helps the mind to develop and grow. It is a proven fact that participating in a music program in school will help develop your brain to a higher level and faster than other students. Music actually improves communication between the right and left brain, allowing you to gain better comprehension and memorization skills, for example. Music is science. It is exact and demands accustics. Music is math. It is based on the rythmic subdivisions of time done in a split second. Music is history. The music you hear or play is usually an indication of the time and environment in which it was created. Music is a foreign language. The music is not any language known to man. It is its own language and uses symbols to represent ideas. Most of all, music is art. It is the greatest form of art that allows a human to take boring notes on a page and transform them in to an emotion and feeling you can not measure.
In conclusion as I have illustrated above there are many reasons as to why listening to music is important for peoples lives and that is
Published courtesy of Just English Language Schools
Bir şey sormak istiyorum müsaadenizle. Essay yazarken dikkat etmemiz gereken şeyleri puan kazandırma miktarına bağlı olarak
sıralayacak olsak, nasıl bir liste çıkar karşımıza. Süre daraldığı için(sınav 15 Ocak) seçici olmak daha mantıklı sanki.
-Spesifik örnekler vermek
-Bağlaçlı uzun cümleler kurmak
-Daha akademik kelimeler kullanmak
bunların hangisi üzerinde daha çok durmalı bizim durumumuzdaki bir öğrenci?
Teşekkürler.
Another essay from me. Thanks(I hope, I am correcting my mistakes.)
TOPIC: distance learning and online computer classes should replace classroom learning, agree or disagree?
In today's world, technology provide us a lot of possibility and by using it we can make our life easier. If we are discussing whether distance learning and online computer classes should replace classroom learning, distance learning and online computer should do it for following reasons.
First of all,online computer classes can provide uus a lot of educational advantages. I think most the students don't understand some topics in the lectures and they don't ask any question to their teachers about the point not clear. However, by using online computer classes, lectures can be recorded as a video and watched again after the lecture. Moreover, lecture can be more convenient about timing for students. For example, illness cannot be a reason of missing lectures. Also school times cannot prevent the social activities of the students, thus, it can be beneficial for their social life.
Secondly, distance learning and online classes may provide some economic advantages. A lot of money is spent to struct school buildings and other neccesities of schools. By using the technology, education can be made without any building and existing school buildings can be used for other aims. In addition government mustn't employ so many teachers. One teacher can teach a lecture to all students and also this can satisfy a better quality in education. Because, for instance, my teacher was not as good as the teachers of my friends in primary school. The best quality and equalance can be satisfied with this technology.
To sum up, somebody may claim that classroom learning is better but, the advantages of the distance learning and online classes show us the reality,so it must be applied in every country.
Well to begin with, I think we should focus on your examples. As I have said before an example should be just as strong as the reason given (if not stronger). Keep your reasons brief and straight to the point and stretch out any example that you give. Also, the examples that you have given don't seem to directly support the argument that you have put forward. If I were to take your examples out and give them to someone else to read they would find it very difficult to understand as to what the question was. The following is an example:
"Whilst I was at school, for example, I was unable to attend some of my professors lectures due to illness and because of this I failed a number of exams. If I had attended an on-line course, however, I would have been able to make these lectures up at another time and I would have passed all my exams"
I wouldn't have chosen "illness" as an example,however, because it really doesn't support the reason you gave "being able to chose when you can study". When reading your supporting paragraphs I can see that you have many good ideas. However, you really need to focus on one point at a time. If we look at your first supporting paragraph again, we can see that you have in fact two main reasons that could have been divided up into two separate supporting paragraphs:
1) Being able to go back to lectures that you didnt understand.
2) Enabling students to choose when they can study.
We also have the same problem in your second supporting paragraph:
1) Money doesn't have to be spent on expensive schools/buildings.
2) Don't have to employ so many teachers.
Reviewing the reasons that you have given, I would have decided on three of them and written a 3 supporting paragraph essay. This as you can see is all decided in the planning part of the essay writing process. So the basic plan of your essay would look like this:
Supporting paragraph 1- Being able to go back to lectures that you didn't understand + example
Supporting paragraph 2- Enabling students to choose when they can study + example
Supporting paragraph 3- Money doesn't have to be spent on building expensive schools+ example
Now, all we have to write is the supporting paragraphs. The following is an example template that you could use with essays questions like this:
"The first reason as to why I believe that both on-line and distance learning should replace traditional classroom learning is because it gives the students the opportunity to go back to lectures that they didn't understand or missed out on. My friend, Mustafa, for example, went to a TOEFL preparation course last year and because the lectures were in English (his mother tongue is Turkish), he found that he didn't really understand everything that the teacher said. Unfortunately, he failed his exam shortly after. However, a month later, he found an on-line TOEFL preparation course and because he could go back and replay the lectures again and again, if he didn't understand a point, he was more successful second time round".
Can you see as to how I have really stretched out that example? That is basically what you should be aiming for. Don't forget that in Turkish "YAZMAK" has a number of meanings 1) to write something such as an essay and 2) to make something up such as a story or example:) Before you send your next essay, I really want you to plan your response and think about the examples that you give. Overall, your essay is really beginning to take shape and it wont be long before you start to produce a stronger essay. Score 3 points. Keep up the hard work.
Good writing:)
This essay was marked and commented on courtesy of Just English Language Schools.
Zea selam, 15 ocakta girecekmişin sinava.. nerde gireceksin? bende 15'inde gireceğim Bilge Adam Bakırköy prometrik sınav merkezinde. Başarılar şimdiden
Taksim'de bir dil kursunda gireceğim inşallah. Teşekkür ederim size de başarılar.
(Sizin sınava gireceğiniz yerde dün GRE'ye girdim, ortamı gayet güzel. Beğeneceğinizi umarım.)
I'm so sorry :( I mean that which one is more effective in grading essays?
-giving specific examples
-using long sentences with conjunctions
-using more academic words
I will take the exam on January 15, so I cannot focus on all, and I have to choose one of them and try to correct my mistakes
about that.
Thank you
Hi again, I am trying to write good introduction as you said before.
It is one of my try out, hope you like it.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing games is fun only when you win. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Playing game is a part of a social life. We play games in every period of our life; when we are a child, when we are in a school and so forth.We sometimes play for fun, sometimes to earn money. If we do not play the game professionally I do not believe that playing game is fun only when we win. My arguments for this point are listed as follow.
This is a much better, stronger introduction, but you do need to really be careful with your use of grammar. Don't forget that when we use the Present simple to discuss general actions, any nouns that we use tend to be plural. I have rewritten your introduction with corrections. I have also taken out the "and so forth" has it really has no place in this sentence.
Playing games is a big part of our social life and we play them throughout most of our lifes such as when we are children and when we are at school. Sometimes, we play for fun, and sometimes for money. If we do not play games professionally, I do not believe that playing games is fun only when we win. My arguments for these points are as follows.
I will post some advice on writing an introduction later today, so keep an eye out.
Dear Zea, If I were you, I would focus on giving specific examples. The purpose of the independent writing section is to see how you can use the English language. You do not get points for trying to use long sentences with conjunctions or academic words (TOEFL is not an academic exam, it is a level test designed to test all levels of English from elementary to advanced) The raters who mark your exam really wanted to be presented with an essay that they at first understand clearly and then they will look at your use of English grammar and vocabulary. If you look at the example essay that I gave above by an ex-student of mine you will notice that she hasn't used anything overly complicated. She has, however, presented a clear argument using the language that she is comfortable using. If I remember correctly, she in fact got 4 points on the real exam too.
As with all parts of an essay your introductions should follow a particular pattern. You need to follow a pattern that you are comfortable with and it really shouldn't change from essay to essay. The following is a basic formula I use for writing an introduction to such a question (but that's not say it is the only one)
1st sentence: A general statement realsted to the question at hand
2nd sentence: Illustrate the opposing idea
3rd sentence: Contrast this with your opinion
So lets put this into practice by looking at an original question from the exam:
"Parents make the best teachers"
Well this question is obviously asking who is the better teacher for children; their parents or their teachers, so I am going to begin my introduction discussing a childs education in the first sentence and then follow the pattern through to the last sentence. So my introduction may look like this:
"Over the last 30 years or so, children have been attending school at a much younger age due to changes in the education system and social pressures that dictate that both the man and wife have to work. It is due to this that many people believe that teachers are in fact the best educators for our children. However, I totally disagree with this and believe that parents are without doubt the best teachers for a number of reasons".
This information is cruical for me, and I would like thank you again for sharing your knowledge without having gain.
I'll send and essay according to your recommendations, I really want to do what you suggest in my essays. Hope this time I'll make you smile :P
My 4th essay
Many students choose to attend schools or universities outside of their home countries. Why do some students study abroad? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
In the past, people could not find the chance to be educated outside of their country, this due to many reasons for example, it was not good idea for the people to be educated outside of the country, and also people cannot afford the study abroad. However (dont forget to contrast;), over the 30 years or so, with the changes of the social and economic conditions of the families, students find more chance study abroad.
The first reason as to why students want to study abroad is because they want to meet other cultures. In their country students try to learn a foreign language, when they go the abroad they meet the people who live there and this really helps to understand the language that student wants to learn. For instance, my friend and I were in a same high school, our major was foreign language, after we had graduated, my friend decided to go to abroad to carry on studying university, he spent sometimes at there, in a summer holiday we got together and when I saw how he could speak so fluently I was shocked because we tried to learn that language for years but we were not very good, whereas he managed to speak in a little while.
The second reason for my propensity for believing why students choose to go to abroad is because of carrier planning. After a student graduate, he or she apply for a job, students who choose to study abroad believes that if they study abroad this will help them to be chosen by the company, in my opinion this is true belief. In my country there are lots of people who apply for a job also there are many people who graduate from universities, in order to be chosen you have to make a difference in the company’s eye. One of the biggest difference is a student can make; study abroad. Studying abroad is really important to be chosen in job applications in my country.
The last reason why students want to study abroad is they want to gain experience and learn taking some responsibilities. When they live in their country, even if they do not live with their family they do not face some hurdles because their family or their friends always help them. In a foreign country they have to learn how to stay stand, and they have to spend their money more carefully, because there are any people around who will help them. Living in a foreign country will give them precious life experience. When they turn back in their country, these experiences will ease their life.
All in all, as I have illustrated above there are numerous reasons as to why students choose to study abroad. They want to have better life conditions.
Again we have a structurally stronger essay; However, you still have a great number of grammatical mistakes, which are really bringing your score down. The most notable kind of mistake that you are making can be seen in your second supporting paragraph in the second line, which reads:
"After a student graduate, he or she apply for a job, students who choose to study abroad believes that if they study abroad this will help them to be chosen by the company, in my opinion this is true belief."
There are many problems with this sentence. To begin with, we have a problem with the use of the present simple; "student graduate" or "student graduates"? and then you have repeated the same mistake with "he or she apply for a job" which should read "when he or she applies for a job"; You then make the same mistake again when you wrote " students who study abroad believes.." these types of mistakes really stand out and catch the readers attention which is what you don't need. one quick tip would be to keep all the nouns that you use plural then you wont have to think about the verb you are going to use. You then go on to continue with "students who choose.." the subject of which does not fit in with the rest of the sentence because they are singular. Your sentence should read something like this
"After graduating and when students apply for a job, they believe that if they have studied abroad they will have a better chance of being selected by the company; and frankly I agree".
Again you are lacking an example in your last supporting paragraph. I know you think it is an example, but really it isn't. Anything that answers the question WHY is not an example. In terms of vocabulary, what do you mean by "propensity"? Only use vocabulary that you know how to use. Keep your essay basic and clear and you will do much better (yani: artislik yapmanı gerek yok:)
You did not mention about my introduction... :) I focused my introduction this time, actually I liked it, and to be honestl, I did not want to write last paragraphs because I you've already shown my mistakes. Grammar mistakes inevitable for me because I am too careless while I am writing. Also you did not give any score :)
Actually this was my last essay, I don't want to write any more, because it is last 3 days for me, and I want to more focus on speaking and listening parts in that time. You always been very kind and I want to thank you again for your great support. You are filling the meaning of the "TEACHER"
And you have been a good student. İ have added a comment to your introduction:) unfortunately, although you have tried new structures and to some extent successfully. Your last essay is still worth only three points due to the number of grammar mistakes present. Keep it simple and stick to what you are confident with and i am sure you will get the 3.5 you are looking for.
İ didnt need to focus on your introduction cos it was fine. Well done. Forgive me, i wrote my response whilst doing a thousand other things. İ am saddened that this will be your last essay as i have enjoyed marking them. İ am sure you will do fine on the exam (in fact i am sure). You do, however, need to take a little more care with your grammar:) Anyway, İ believe, that we will be seeing each other tomorrow on the free on-line course. Mr. Volkan contacted me just two days ago to see, if İ could do it. Apparently, it was to do with the writting section, but i am going to open it up so that whoever comes can ask me anything about the exam. (including all sections:) İf i do not see you simemis, i really do wish you the best of luck on your exam on the 15th (the same goes for you to zea;) hopefully i will see another essay from you before your exam)
Another essay(I think the examples in body paragraphs are not enough but it is the production of 30 minutes:))
AND TEACHER CAN YOU GIVE SOME SUGGESTION IN BRIEF ABOUT INTAGRATED ESSAY AFTER GRADING. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I am fraid that this part of the forum is for Independent writing only. I will, however, be giving a free on-line lesson for upper-intermediate students in the near future (probably after the finals have come to an end:)
TOPIC:Some people persue career paths that lead to management position. Other people persue career paths leading to position of individual responsibility. Which career path are you more likely to follow?
Managers and employees are the main parts of business world and if you want to enter this world you have to choose a position as a manager or an employee. Actually many people choose be an employee but if it comes to be my career preference is being a manager for following reasons.
Not a bad start; however, the last sentence is difficult to understand due to errors in grammar usage.
It would have sounded better like this "Despite many people choosing to go into the business world as an employer, I think, I would have to say, that I would would almost certainly decide to chose to be a manager for a number of reasons"
First of all, managers are needed more by companies. It has a great responsibility and also, it requires some skills and leadership, as a result of this few people's choice is being a manager. So, if you want to be in a popular and special position, your choice must be management. Suppose a factory,for example, which has a lot of engineers as employees. If there is no manager for managing these engineers, how can they work in right way and how can their senchronisation be satisfied. So the first requirement of the factory is finding a manager.
Secondly, working as a manager is more enjoyable and creative than being an employee. Because you can find many opportunities to apply your plans about your job. For instance, you find the current system bad, if you are the manager, you may change it easily. However if you are an employee, your main duty is doing whatever your manager says. Also you can obtain the best success with a good management. Thus, if your skills are sufficient, being a manager is more enjoyable for you.
I think you are right about the examples that you have given. We need to remember that the question does ask for SPECIFIC examples. You could have made both of these paragraphs a lot stronger by providing the reader with specific examples such as, "my father, who works at a factory in our home town...." Don't forget the example part of the essay gives you the chance to illustrate you argument; tell a story as it were. On a different note, I really do like the way you have strengthened your examples by restating as to why they are good examples in the last sentence of each supporting paragraph. Well done:)
To sum up, I respect all of the choices about the career paths of the people, but in my opinion management is the right position for people who have enough skills.
Where should you go from here? Well, I think you need to work on your examples a little more before you produce another essay. Go to the list of essay questions at ets.org and just think (you don't need to write) of examples for as many questions as you can. The essay above is a very strong 3 point essay, and with a little more hard work you will be able to jump up to 4 points. By the way, you are right to keep within the 30minute time limit; you will find that it will become easier to write more in less time.
I read last 7 essays and then I rewrite it again.I hope I did a good job (: I am waiting for your mark.Thanks!
Subject:Some people believe that the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends. Other people believe that the best way of learning about life is through personal experience. Compare the advantages of these two different ways of learning about life. Which do you think is preferable? Use specific examples to support your preference.
Everytime people can learn a new thing about life.While you are talking with one of your old family member,while you are watching your parents or just while you live in life;you can learn a lot of thing. People can listen their family and friends for learn their life experiences.Also personal experiences are very useful for learning about life.In my opinion,personal experiences are more preferable.My arguments for these points are as follows.
Not a bad introduction; you do, however, need to work on the introductory sentence and build on your ideas a little. Maybe, if you connected the ideas in both the first and second sentence, you would be able to make it a tad stronger; something like this " There are many different ways in which people can learn; for example, some prefer to learn about life through the experiences and advice of their parents and family members, while others believe that learning through their own experiences is much better. Personally, if I had to choose between the two approaches, I would probably prefer to learn on my own for a number of reasons"
The first reason as to why I believe personal experiences are more preferable is because if people learn about life with personal experiences,they never forget it.For instance,last year my friend bought a new car.His parents told him to drive safely.However,he didn’t care what they said too much.After two months when he has started driving,he had a car accident.Lucky,he was good.After this accident,he learned why he has to drive safely and he started driving carefully.
Second, you can learn about life with personal experiences exactly.For example,I didn’t know how to use ATM machines when I first took a bank card.I asked to my parents and they explained to me.But I still didn’t know how to use it.I went to a bank and I tried.After two tries,I used to it.Now,I can do whatever I need with that machines.
On the other hand,I think teenagers should ask to their parents about their life experiences.Because their parents are older than them.They know what are the problems in life and they can explain their life skills to their children very easily.Also people should talk with friends.Everyone needs a friend to talk.You may talk with your friends about something that you can not talk with your family like relationships.
Here we have a typical problem that I see in many first time writer's essays. Your supporting paragraphs should all run with the same idea; so if you disagree with the statement then all supporting paragraphs should reflect this. In the same breathe, if you prefer doing one thing over the other, then you supporting paragraphs should reflect this too (in short, go with one idea and don't try to argue from both sides of the fence:)
Finally,people should listen the other people’s life experiences and they should try to learn something about them.However,they can learn life more clearly with personal experiences.
Your use of transitional sentences throughout the essay seem to be inconsistent. It would have been nice to see you use the same transitional as you did in your first supporting paragraph in you second and third supporting paragraph too. so then you would have "The first reason as to why I believe... - The second reason as to why I believe...; and The final reason as to why I believe..." By the way, you should never begin a concluding paragraph with "finally" instead try using "in conclusion"
Overall score: 3 points. Keep up the hard work. In comparison to the first draft that you sent this is much tighter and stronger. Well done
Subject: It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.
People learn their personalities and skills when they are child.If people can have good child life,it makes their future life better.Because of that to grow up in a nice place is really important for people’s life. I agree to grow up in the countryside better than grow up in a big city. Children can have healthy and successful life in the countryside.
A nice attempt at an introduction, however, it does fall down in places. For example, I don't think that the first sentence really does your introduction any justice. The question being asked should really be clear from the very first line; for example, "Over the last few years or so, many people have decided to move away from the country side to the city for a number of reasons such as money and work; some have even moved to the city because they believe it will provide their children with better opportunities in the future. However, I disagree with this because I believe the way a child is brought up will directly affect their future and the country side will provide the child with the neccessary up bringing to achieve this"
The first reason as to why I believe that to growgrowing up in the countryside is better is because countrysides have better areas than big cities.Every children likes playing games.They can play games in a nice weather in outside if they live in the countryside.However,big city children who live in the big city have to play games inon the computer or in this kind of electronic devices.Because,big cities usually don’t have game areas.Playing with electronic devices and staying at home all the time are harmful for children’s health.
Don't forget your examples:) I have marked some of the most important mistakes in this paragraph too.
The second reason as to why I believe that to grow up in the countryside is because education in the countryside is better than education in big city.Country schools do not have a lot of children.But city schools have.Teachers can explain a lesson to children more clear and children can learn their lessons from their teachers easily in the country school.For instance,I was living in a big city in my country.When I was in 5th grade,we moved to a small town.In my big city school,I couldn’t always ask something that I can not understand in lessons.But in country school,I asked whatever I want in lessons or after lessons and I learned my lessons very well.That year my grades was better than last years.
A great example:) That is exactly what you need in your 1st supporting paragraph.
From all those reasons above,if children can grow up in a great countryside,it can be better for their future life.
Over all a nice essay! However, because of slight organizational and grammar mistakes, I am unable to give this any more than 3 points. Keep up the hard work. It won't be long before your points start going up:)
Merhaba ben foruma üye olmadan önce gereksiz kayıt yapmayayım diye forumunuzu bayağı gezdim ve gerçekten çok faydalı bir paylaşım ortamı oldugunu anladım.Bundan bende büyük ölçüde faydalanmak istedim ancak faydalanmaya başlamadan önce bu ortamı oluşturan herkese teşekkürlerimi borçbilirim
Here is my first essay
TOPIC: Someone think that playing a game is fun only when you win. Do you agree or disagree with this statement . Use specific reasons to support your answer
Although life includes winnig and losing,everyone wants to be successful whatever he or she have done.There are some various reason to explain it, such as fallowings.
You should remember that the introduction is the most important part of your essay as this is where the rater first develops their initial impression of the language that you are using (first impressions count).Look at the structures that 'Sinemis' and 'zea' have used above and look at the advice that I have given them.
The main reason why I believe winning is better than losing is because human being has it in it's nature.For example, when the football team we supporting lose the match, we might behave like nothing happened and we might made up sensable covers to satisfy ouselves but the correct definition about our emotions is that sadness.
Nice to see that you have included an example here; but as I have mentioned before in previous essays and comments, you really need to stretch out your example and although a good example it really isn't that specific; in place of this example, I would have explained about a football match that I had gone to and how that affected me. Also, remember, that giving examples is like telling a story, really stretch them out as much as you can and describe every possible detail.
Let's move on to video games.Why we are playing these games? To lose or to win.Undoubtly, the correct answer is winnig.However, life includes too many losing and the most important aim of us is turn this losings into winnings.It is our essential task which makes us happy when it become.
Well I don't need to tell you that the biggest problem with this supporting paragraph is the lack of an example! Never ever omit an example from your supporting paragraph. Also, do not use 'rhetorical questions' as you have done in the first line; although they can be effective tools in academic writing, they are often used incorrectly or in the wrong place.
In conclusion, we have two important feeling to express ourselves which called happiness and sadness. So, to sum up , as I explained before playing a game fun only when you win.
Dear TMRTMR,
First of all, thank you for sending your essay in. However, there are a few things that need to be kept in mind. To begin with, before sending in an essay, you need to make sure that you have reviewed all of the previous essays and the comments that I have made. If you review all of the essays that you have written, you will see that you have made the same mistakes. Secondly, you shouldn't send in a second essay, until the first one has been marked (incidentally, essays are marked within 7-10 days). I look forward to your second essay
Subject: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People behave differently when they wear different clothes. Do you agree that different clothes influence the way people behave? Use specific examples to support your answer.
Some people like wearing different clothes from everyone.They usually wear strange and unusual clothes.I do not prefer wearing different clothes.However, I agree that different clothes influence the way people behave.I think, if people wear different clothes, everyone may think that they are awkward.But if you wear normal, clean and tidy clothes, you may used to every situation and you can be happy.My arguments for these points are as follows.
The basic structure of your introduction seems to work well. However, I think your first 3 sentences need a little work. The 1st and 2nd ones are especially too short which makes it a little too over simplified. I would have discussed how clothes change from one profession to the other and as to why they need to wear these clothes in the 1st sentence; the 1st sentence as it stands is a little too narrow to develop.
The first reason as to why I believe that different clothes influence the way people behave is because if a person wear different kind of clothes, he or she can feel uncomfortable and maybe he or she can not used to other people.For instance, we had uniforms when I was in high school in my country.However, we were able to wear daily clothes once a week.One of these free clothes days, my friend forgot to wear daily clothes and he came to school with school uniform.He couldn’t used to school and he felt uncomfortable in that day.Because, he was looking different from everyone.
The second reason as to why I believe that different clothes influence the way people behave is because I think wearing clean and tidy clothes is important for a lot of person.Before you met with someone, you look his clothes first.If he or she looks good, you think he or she is a nice person whether you know his real thoughts or you don’t.In my first school day, I didn’t know anyone in school.When I saw a person who has good looking clothes, I automaticly had good feelings about that person.
I am afraid that the reasons and examples that you have chosen haven't really answered the question which asks "how wearing different clothes influences peoples behaviour" The point made in the fist supporting paragraph would have been fine if you had stated that wearing ordinary clothes once a week made everybody behave in a casual manner and when they wore the school uniform they behaved more formally. I am afraid that the 2nd supporting paragraph didn't really work at all (despite being a very good point!) as the question asks how the person who wears the clothes changes and not the person who sees the change)
Also, my another reason is wearing good looking clothes makes people happy.If you wear your favourite clothes and when people say you look great, you become happy.When I wear my favourite jean and t-shirt which they match eachother, I always feel cool and happy.
This has the potential of being a great supporting paragraph; I can only assume that you had timing problems which is why you failed to develop it any further (in fact this would have been a better supporting 2nd paragraph.
To sum up, people shouldn’t wear different clothes all the time.It influences bad to their behaves because of the reasons are in above.
Overall, I would say that this essay is worth around 2-3 points due to digression and the number of grammar mistakes.
The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.
It it obviously clear that the world became great changes in the twentieth century especially at technological improvements. Many people may think that television, mobile phone, internet or google are some of the most important changes in this century but from my opinion the most magnificent change is sending and receiving e-mail via internet.
In the past decades people have to write letters and post them to their family living at outside countries but today we could send email containing unlimited count of words. When our family check its email account he or she see all the things you wrote 5 minutes ago. So we don’t need to wait the letter will go to the outside country.
Furthermore, we can add some files to the emails. If we want we can share a document, a photo, a song or a short movie to the email. For example we can send one of the best photos of İstanbul to our friend who is living in England and has not been in İstanbul for a long time.
In addition and more surprisingly all of these email communications are free of charge. People who have an internet access could easily create an email address and send or receive email using this account.
Finally, because of the reasons I described above I think email communication is one of the most great changes that makes our life easier in the twentieth century.
First of all, I would like to welcome you to the forum and I look forward to marking your essays. However, that being said, you would really benefit by reading through the other essays I have marked. Think of the previous essays as a lesson on independent writing. I would like you to follow the previous advice that I have given other forum members and use it whilst writing your response. The essay that you have written, although a good start, lacks in a number of important areas. To begin with your suppoting paragraphs are totally lacking examples, which are a very important part of the essay. I would like you to rewrite this essay once you have read the previous essays and then I will mark it
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are
the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your
answer.
People learn continuosly during their life time from their environments such as family, schools and social groups.It is important for rest of our lives to gather informations (information uncountable and singular) and to get education educated by attending schools, and to interact with other people or friends. However, families shape us in the early stages of our lives which is more important than other aspects in my opinion. Therefore, i believe that parents are the best teachers because of the following particular specific reasons.
Firstly, parents teach values which are important for children in order to have a good and strong character. Begining with the early ages at a young age, families try to teach their children good traits. Every parents wants to raise their child as an to be honest, trustable and hardworking person. It is obvious for everybody that these characteristics properties can only be built in the family. At this point, the importance and essential of the a family education gets more clear. For example, in our country there is a proverb, ``The tree can be bend only when it is young.``, which is specifically related with this issue. Moral attitudes and behavioral habits can be taught only during the childhood. Therefore, parental education is significant in order to teach values to the child.
Just a quick point on using quotations; although a very useful device they are easily used incorrectly and in the wrong place. Your use of the Turkish proverb here has worked well, but don't get too carried away:)
Secondly, parents know their own child beter than anyone. They are aware of what child can do, what he or she likes or what the child is capable of. In other words skills, habits, good or bad traits of the child are known by the family members. Having information about abilities and potential of the children, parents and family members have a significant advantages to reach their children and to provide communication with them. Neither school teachers nor friends can build better comunication than parents with own child regardless of issue. Thats to say, it is obvious that the more you know the student, the more you can teach.
Really, this didn't work as well as your first supporting paragraph. It is lacking a strong example to support your argument. Don't forget that the examples you give are just as important as the reasons! It is obvious that you have missed out on some of the important points I have made in the previous essays above. Before writing a second essay, I would like you to go back and read through my notes on the other essays.
In conclusion, because of the above reasons i believe that parents have significant and primary role as a perfect teacher in the children’s lives. Although, friends and teachers have effects on us during our lives, the effects of our best teachers are beyond comparison.
VERDICT: Not bad for a first attempt. Your essay despite constant grammatical mistakes is well organized and well balanced and the mistakes you have made do not really make it too difficult to understand. Keep up the hard work and I am sure you will see your scores slowly improve over time. 3 points